Ok My Lovelies, this is a whole new kind of challenge going on around here, isn’t it?
Aside from being terrorized because the threat of the pandemic closed your favorite hair salon and hair color was a must have, there is of course, the fear of the actual virus.
I’ve seen the films “Contagion” and “World War Z”, which were very decent dramas.
At least until yesterday’s film plot # 7, began to look too much like living in the “Real”.
It’s a concern. A big concern.
I don’t know about you, but I am beginning to fear the virus less than the behavior of the masses around me. Well, that and the fear and anxiety of checking the stock market each day and “we don’t have employment anymore” related stuff.
Even though I am taking this worldwide event extremely serious, I am also trying to find a tiny bit of lightness in an already very heavy event and so I write this post. I can only do what I can do and by now you all know what that means.
Let’s be honest. We are Americans and as Americans, we are utterly accustomed to having our own way, on our own terms, in our own time, limited primarily by our financial means and/or our moral codes. We want, what we want, when we want it. We are an entitled bunch in the USA and in Los Angeles, where the heart of the film industry and lots of actors live, maybe even more so. Honorable mention goes to the “Hamptons” in NY.
With all our current events and new societal trends also come new terms.
Hybrid words that we agree to as a group. New words for our “Urban Dictionary”.
In March of 2020, we now have a new term for us all ….“Social Distancing”.
It was new to me anyway.
Last month, I might have thought it was some artistic way of ghosting your EX from Instragram. Perhaps what your co-workers do to you if you get caught taking someone’s labeled lunch from the communal fridge.
However today, we all now know what it means. Most of us have read or been told the parameters to follow in our efforts to make quick and hopefully effective safeguards for each other.
Anyone else was a hermit before this started.
Here’s the thing. In order to give this our best hope of success, we need to figure out how to get our most entitled and challenged people to also embrace these essential guidelines.
Some people just don’t want to play fair.
Admittedly I live in a middle-class, planned community. Lots of SUV’s, families with a dog or two and 2.5 kids that were all involved in sports activities that managed to keep their parents busy every single weekend until a week ago. People here have 3 or more bedrooms, two car garages and three cars.
We ladies wear Lulu Lemon gym clothes for all occasions and the guys think shorts are year-round wardrobe staples. Michael Kors, for some reason that I apparently do not understand, is very popular as an inexpensive status purse alternative. We have a Trader Joes, Ralphs, Vons, Sprouts, Whole foods, Aldi and Vallarta markets all packed into this one valley in multiples.
We have every fast food eatery you can name and multiple gyms.
Yup…we are some of the chosen, which is not the same as the Brentwood, Santa Barbara or Manhattan Beach chosen, BTW. They are a whole level or two, up.
Yet, not so many in my land of plenty, fully embrace this “Social Distancing” 6-foot apart safety rule, even though California was one of the first states to mandate “Shelter at Home”.
Our grocery stores are the absolute worst for demonstrating the efficiency of this concept of Social Distancing. They are also the most visited. This is where people and cashiers are all packed in together like tiny little herd animals. Goats with cows and pigs searching for more food. Btw, I'm a goat in that scenario. A cute petite mini goat with the long fur and jewelry.
Case in point. I was in a line at one of our most esteemed chain markets. Standing behind me was one of those drivers that ride so close up your rear that they could actually be driving your car, I mean cart. Since I was not comfortable with this new-found intimacy between us,
I moved up a foot or more to get relief. As you might expect, because you know this kind of ass-hat, the entitled one also moved forward, thereby invading my already limited 3 feet of personal space.
Arghhh!
It was in that split second, that I saw MY movie play. (In my head, for now.)
I was in my billowy boho floral print blouse and distressed very light blue skinny jeans, no holes. I looked a bit like Jennifer Anniston because it's my movie and I get to pick me.
I tossed my long shiny, perfectly layered sun touched straight hair to the side.
I looked directly at the intruder behind me with a steady and scornful eye.
Then my natural slightly pink glossy lips said in Jens' voice.....
“WTF!”
“Do you not know what the Social Distancing 6-foot rule is?"
"Or are you a guy who actually thinks 4 inches is really 6?”
(hand gesture optional)
“Back the Fuck Up!”
You see, Jennifer always sounds and looks cute no matter what she says.
It was in that movie preview, that I decided I needed a plan of action before MY movie was in production. I decided that if some people will not give me my proper space, then I will need to teach them.
My Plan of Action
Required for my plan: Special extra-large umbrella.
Not the classic black model that they sell in NYC in those unanticipated downpours.
You know, the black cheap ones they sell on the street for $10.
The ones that if there is a gust of wind will immediately turn inside out and is done for.
Not that one.
Mine is a lovely XL ivory satin one with a cognac woven leather handle. It is about a ½ size larger than the standard but not as large as a beach umbrella. It has a firm, but not too pointy tip and very durable metal hardware. It glides open almost effortlessly.
It may stretch out, in full glory, to about 3.5-4 feet across.
I plan to carry it with me to the grocery store, rain or shine.
When I enter the store, after I sanitize my cart multiple times, I plan to nonchalantly open it as if the sprinklers were going to go off at any minute. I plan to carry this the whole time I am shopping. Sure, I expect I will get a few looks. I do not care. I plan to own it and act like a fine aristocratic Victorian lady with her parasol and matching gloves. Matching surgical gloves.
Yes, I realize this might be a bit challenging with one hand always gripping the umbrella handle while trying to pack up my broccoli, but I will persevere. Determination wins.
My rationale is that my umbrella will serve to make people keep an almost 6 foot distance.
After all, no one wants their eye accidently poked by a petite lady with a big pointy umbrella.
Which is my point.
Back the F**k Away Buddy!!!!
There’s a 6 Foot Rule in place.
Also, and there is absolutely no science behind this, but if someone decides to cough or sneeze, even from allergies, I can divert some of the potentially hazardous fallout away from me and back to them.
Truly, and I hate to have to think like this, but if someone Big & Bad tries to take my chicken or toilet paper (if I ever find any again) I also have some protection from my trusty umbrella sword. Victorian Lady or not, I’ll give it my best efforts.
So, if you see a big umbrella with some tiny feet under it in your grocery store, step the “value your life” back 6 feet or say hello to my umbrella.
As most of my besties know, my tiny feet would prefer always to be in my fav stilettos but since getting groceries is more of a performance event now, my Adidas will be the current shoe poking out from under. If I am in the market, I’m getting my stuff and getting out.
Quick, fast and a woman on a mission.
You might give it a try too. We could start a thing, a movement, if security doesn’t intervene.
And in this time of adjustment and change, please let us all play fair, be kind, share with others and for Pete’s and all our sakes, follow the damn 6 foot rule! Oh and wash your cootie crusted hands too!!!
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